Tell Me Again Why I Have To Work

I hit my one month anniversary at my new job yesterday and, as of today, I'm offically over it.

I'm counting the months (only 11 to go) until I can quit without having to pay back my sign-on bonus. Yup, I'm a physical mess but that's the least of it. I'm used to being rewarded for trying to change processes, having open discussions with managers, and working as a team. Today I was told "I don't know why we do it this way but that's the way it's done and we shouldn't try to change", and "we don't have conversations like that in front of managers" and, when I asked for help, "I'll send you an article". My day ended with one of the HR business partners who has been with the company over a year and a half asking me, the person with a month's experience, to explain why people hired in March 2008 won't be getting a pay increase this year. (The company lost over $100 million last year - nobody is getting a pay increase this year.)

That's right. All this and eleven hours at the office. Plus a two hour commute.

One of my new co-workers said something the other day about becoming a Stepford employee. Maybe he's got the right idea. I wonder if I can find a clinic that performs weekend lobotomies.

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By the way, I'm totally grateful that I found a job in this economy. Really.

The View Outside My Window

My favorite thing about my new job (aside from working with my friend P and getting a paycheck - can't forget the paycheck) is the view from the office window.

Every morning the light reflects on the church across the street and I am in awe.

This is the view from the window at my old job. Even without the snow, the warehouses in the industrial park weren't inspiring.

I'd like to say that the view makes up for the doubled commute and full-time work schedule. I'd like to say that but I can't. Still, if I have to work full-time, a little awe in the morning is not a bad thing.

Connections, Gratitude, Synchronicity and Irony

Isn't life interesting?

Late in December, I signed up for Jennifer Louden's virtual retreat, Finding Calm, Confidence & Contentment in Uncertain Times because of the remarkable work Jen had been sharing on her blog about dealing with fear. On January 1, I decided that one of my three words for the year would be connected. Who knew that a week later I'd be knee deep in fear and uncertainty and in desperate need of connections?

As soon as I got back to my desk after I got the word about my layoff on Wednesday, I contacted my very good friend and former colleague, P, who commiserated with me and then told me about a potential opening at her company.

The next day, I talked with a former boss, M, who talked me down from the freak-out ledge, reminded me of all the people I worked with at my former company who would be willing to help me out, and offered his own help far above and beyond the simple recommendation I wanted.

I applied for the job at P's company and have an interview scheduled for tomorrow. I know my background fits but I also know she made sure the hiring manager knew about me.

When I chose connected as one of my words in 2009 in what I thought was a fun, throwaway exercise, I never guessed I'd need those connections so soon. I chose it because I was feeling a little detached. Now I feel grateful because I still have amazing people who are in my corner.

I love the synchronicity of life - things showing up just when we need them. The retreat starts on Friday and runs through the following Monday. And no. I won't feel at all guilty about listening live from work. I had intended to take advantage of recordings but now ...

And the irony? Even though I am going to be laid off, my employer now wants me to work full-time until the end. Oh, I'm doing it. But can you believe it?

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There's still time to sign up for the virtual retreat at www.comfortretreats.com. I'm a huge fan of Jennifer Louden. You should be too.

I Must Be Psychic or Utter, Blind Panic

So, remember a couple of posts ago when I talked about being afraid that I was going to be laid off? Yup. I'm going to be laid off.

I've been laid off twice before and, except for the utter, blind panic about money, it's actually not bad. I like having time off and both of the other times I ended up in a much better work situation after the layoff. Still.

Did I mention the utter, blind panic about money?

The Downside of Home Ownership

Work has been a bit of a struggle lately what with projects that aren't going well, annoying co-workers, department management decisions that are, to put it politely, interesting, and, mostly, my own inner voice that's shouting "what the heck are you doing here?"

The short answer is money.

I miss my F fund. (F for "freedom" or "forget this" because this is a family blog.)

Before I put the downpayment on my condo, spent some more cash to pretty it up, and came face to face with the reality of property taxes, I had a chunk of change just hanging around waiting for me to hit the breaking point.

During painful Friday afternoon meetings when poking my brains out with a pen seemed more pleasant than listening to another painful word, I would fantasize about walking out of the conference room, grabbing my stuff from my desk, and walking away forever. On drives into work, I would think about how nice it would be to just keep driving. And I could have done it. It's not that I ever would quit my job without notice and a back-up plan. It was just nice to know that I could.

For purposes of full disclosure, I actually have quit my job with no back-up plan in the past. I did give a two week notice. Then I went to Europe for a month and a half. It was fun. I highly recommend it. Of course, this was before T, the wonder horse, and while I was still living at my dad's house. Ah, youth. And no fixed expenses. Those were the days.

Today, I've got a mortgage and a horse and a salary that's about half of what it was when I was working full time. I'm so glad I didn't buy that purse while I was at the mall at lunch yesterday. Here's to the rebirth of the F fund ... one non-purchase at a time.

I learn something new

I was all set to write a post about the email a coworker forwarded to me this week. The email contained a link promising new thinking in change management. So I clicked on the link. Some consultant had created a PowerPoint presentation (yeah, that's new) with quotes about leading change from such current thinkers as Linus Pauling (dead 14 years), Peter Drucker (first published 1939 and dead 3 years), and anonymous (around forever).

I have nothing against those guys (great thinkers who I admire) and I like change at work as much as the next person (as my 9 companies in 22 years clearly shows), but enough with the cheesy PowerPoints. Quotes on slides with cute cartoon figures don't drive new thinking on change. Shame on the consultant who created it. (This is where I pause, jealous because the guy is probably raking in the clients and big consulting bucks right now...grrrrrrrrr!)

Anyway, I'm not going to write about that. I'm going to write about how I learned something new about Blogger comments and life.

I was pretty excited because I had a comment on a post this morning and, well, I live for comments (hint). I read the comment. It was from miumiu who politely asked me to post a link to his/her blog. Like that's going to happen without me first seeing it. I checked it out. It was a Japanese site with what looked like knock off purses for sale (the miumiu name sort of tipped me off). I didn't want to leave the comment attached to my post because no one I know who reads this would be all that interested in knock off bags except maybe N who doesn't read Japanese (I don't think).

So I looked all over the editing section of Blogger clicking madly to try to find a delete button. Nothing said "delete comment" in big bold letters so I went to Help. I found out how to moderate comments before they are posted. That didn't help me delete one that already exists. I read the link that gave me the Html coding for editing comments. That really didn't help. I looked around some more in Help and found nothing. I gave up and added my own comment saying, "uh, miumiu, no can do".

Then I spotted the little wastebasket icon next to miumiu's comment. I clicked on it. It deleted the comment. Then I had to delete my response since it no longer made sense. I clicked on the little wastebasket icon next to my comment. Done.

Lesson learned. When you want to get rid of something, look for a wastebasket.

It's late. I'm crabby. And tired.

Today was pretty much crap. Monday and work. Need I say more? Yeah, well, I will anyway.

First, there was the Monday staff meeting. Normally, I don't mind the meeting all that much. I get to pretend that I'm interested in what's going on and watch my co-workers' eyes glaze over when someone (me mostly) makes a comment or asks a question and drags the meeting on for another ten or fifteen minutes. Then there's the manager who can talk for hours and say absolutely nothing. It's fun to listen and try to find a tiny morsel of content in the meandering monologues. But all that changed today. The meeting was moved to 11 am to noon. Argh! They messed with my lunch break!

So, ok. I got over that because after the meeting I went the mall and looked at purses at Macy's.

Our department had planned a dinner to honor one of our group who hit a milestone anniversary with the company. We were to leave at 5:15 and meet at the restaurant. At 3, the boss gave me a project. At 5, I ask, "what's your timeline on this" because I have another two hours of work to finish. "Now", he says, "but I want you to come to the dinner". Right.

I got home after 8. No dinner. I checked my emails. The first one says "Do You Have Any Mental or Brain Problems?"

Nope. Not me.

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Hey - a special shout out to NM and Princess. You guys left me comments. Yippee!

No coffee - day three. Could be why I'm so crabby. And tired.

Coffee Free Me

"Life is short. Stay awake for it." Caribou Coffee
cup

"Stay awake. Stay employed." My favorite coffee mug

"Coffee is the elixir of life." Me

If coffee is key to staying in the game, why am I considering giving it up? According to most of the collective fibromyalgia wisdom, it's evil. Caffeine destroys already fragile sleep cycles which lead to more fatigue and pain.

I've struggled through enough coffee fueled afternoons on the job to know that it's a no win - the more I drink, the more I need to stay awake. My bosses have not generally been the types who allow naps. The walk to the kitchen and the hot brew have often been the only things keeping my head from hitting the desk. When poking my brains out with a pencil is more compelling an option than looking at another spreadsheet, it's the coffee that keeps me sane. And my brains off the floor.

I love coffee in all its forms: the diner coffee that comes in thick ceramic mugs with unlimited refills; the first cup at home on a cold morning that warms my hands and wakes me up; the mocha with whipped cream at the bookstore; and even the tar-like remains in the pot at work at the end of the day. It's all great.

There doesn't seem to be any reason to give it up, does there? Yeah, but here's the thing. The last time I felt really good was after I recovered from a stomach bug that made drinking coffee a not so good thing. It took me a couple of days after I recovered to get back my taste for it. In the meantime, I felt alert and not tired. No really, not tired! It was something of a minor miracle. Then the siren call of the coffee got me and I went back on the stuff. I haven't felt that good since.

I don't know if I can do it. I'm afraid I will turn into a whiny, head-achy, nearly comatose wreck without it but I am going to give it a whirl for two weeks.

I'll post how it goes. If I survive.

In the meantime, have a Caribou turtle mocha for me, OK?