Six Months Later ...

The last six months have been pretty bad in my world.

T got seriously ill in late March and I had to make the decision to have him put down. I know it was the right thing to do. He was not going to get better and prolonging his life would have only drawn out the inevitable. I had the vet put him to sleep on April 1, his 28th birthday.

In early March, I had to go to the emergency room because I was having chest pain, numbness in my left arm, shortness of breath and lightheadedness. I thought I was going to pass out driving home from work. It totally freaked me out because I was going 70 miles an hour on the freeway at the time. Ultimately, it was a problem with my thyroid medication combined with too much stress rather than a heart attack which was a very good thing. I'm grateful for that, believe me, but still.

My job has been my own personal purgatory since I started it in February 2009 and I've had no luck finding a new one.

My life feels out of my control and I don't like it.

But really, I do have some control.

I can have some fun. To that end, I've started riding again.

I can limit my work days to ten hours a day.

I can watch my diet, limit caffeine and exercise to reduce stress.

I can start a Freedom Fund - saving six months worth of expenses so I never have to be held hostage at a lousy job.

I can really start looking at career options so I can do work that interesting, rewarding and makes a difference.

And I can write about all this on this blog.

I Network and Live to Tell the Tale

I went to a networking event last night because 1) I need to get out more and 2) I need to get out more.

I dread networking events - can you say one of the circles of hell? - but because I respect the woman who held the event and because I need to get out more, I decided to go. Guess what? It was fun.

The invitiation said that there would be people there I know. I scoffed. I'm so disconnected from the local HR community that I thought there would be no way I'd know anyone. I walked in the door and almost immediately saw an old boss. While I was talking with her, another former colleague came up to me to say hi. I met people who worked for former employers at different times and a woman who works for my current employer now. I stayed over two hours and had a great time.

I'm very tired today because driving across town for an after work event made for an extra long day. It was worth the effort and today's fatigue and pain because guess what? It was fun.

Next Steps

I've been thinking about why people don't do things they know they should do to live healthier, happier lives. Of course when I say this, I am really saying I've been thinking about why I don't do things I know I should do to live a healthier, happier life.

Like taking care of my health.

I do the big things to manage my fibromyalgia - the doctor's visits and medications and supplements - but I haven't been doing the everyday things like eating healthy food, exercising, getting enough rest, meditating, using pacing techniques, setting priorities, and having some fun. Frankly, even thinking about adding any of those things to my day is exhausting. But here is the plan for my brave new world - I'm going to do them.

Shifting my perspective from thinking that I won't be able to do it and then making these changes will be one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do. Vital to my well being and totally necessary but extremely difficult. So I'm going to blog about it for fun and to keep myself on track.

I'm starting with exercise.

I've always had good luck working out at home but I need to get out more so I stopped by a local health club today to see about membership. It's nice. It's close to home. The ladies' locker room smells really good. The people exercising seemed normal. When I asked about the cost of memberships, I got sticker shock. Yikes. It costs a lot to join a nice, close to home fitness center with good smelling locker rooms where normal people exercise.

Of course, a lot is actually less than one month's board for T so I guess it's relative. Balking at the cost is also a first sign of resistance since my company has a fitness allowance that will pay for most of the membership.

I got a free pass for a week that starts on Thursday. I'll be working on all my "why I can't exercise" excuses between now and then.

Tomorrow night I'm going to a networking event for women in HR. I have nothing to wear and many other excuses for why I can't go, but I'm going anyway. See. Brave new world.

Lottery Talk as a Measure of Employee Engagement

My coworkers spend a lot of time talking about winning the lottery. Often. Like every day.

I may not remember correctly because I'm perimenopausal and I have fibro-fog but I don't think that there was the same level of lottery talk at my other jobs.

I hadn't bought a lottery ticket in years until I started this job. Now I buy at least once a week. I may be projecting because I hate my job but I think there must be correlation between the level of lottery talk and employee engagement.

Has anybody done a study?

Sneaking Back with a Big, Fat Whine-fest

I had some grand plans to relaunch my blog but since I haven't written anything in almost six months, it seems safer to sneak back and do a furtive post or two and see what happens.

I blame my job for my lack of creative energy. Working full time with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue is not easy. Working 50 to 60 hours a week at a job you don't like is not for any sane person. So here I am - an insane, exhausted lump of what used to be a human being.

There are a lot of reasons why my job isn't ideal but I'm saving that litany for another time. What matters is that my job isn't ideal. What scares me is that I have no idea what to do next.

I do know that I can't keep this up for much longer. I'm back in that horrible cycle where I drive to work, I work, I drive home from work, I eat, I sleep. That's literally it until I get to do it all again the next day. The other day I went to the library after work. It felt like a trip to Paris. I spend weekends on the couch trying to recover and gather energy for another work week. I've ridden six times in the last two months. What's worse, I haven't been able to concentrate enough to finish reading a book in even longer.

Plus I hate how whiny, bitter and miserable I've become.

At the beginning of the year, I chose three words as intentions for the new year: happy, healthy and connected. Living that way doesn't seem possible but not living that way will ruin me.

So I'm going to turn my life around. I'm not sure how I'll do that but it starts with a focus on my intentions. And maybe a new job.

Stay tuned. A post on my progress may be coming. In another six months.