Thank goodness December is over. I know that I should be saying Happy New Year and all that but I'm really, really glad to be done with last month so I'll stick with thank goodness December is over.
People with chronic fatigue know that if they do too much, they may be fine while they are overdoing but will feel like they got hit by a truck a few days later. The doctors and other experts call it post-exertional malaise. That's the official terminology but the splat after the truck more accurately sums up last month for me. I have post-exertional malaise of the body and spirit.
It was hard for me to recover from my full-time work in November. I am still grateful for the chance to try because the extra money helped. Plus I needed to see if I could do it in case it becomes necessary in the future. I think I could. My work life balance would be nonexistent but...
We had lay-offs at work last month. Three people in my department and one other person who sat in my area were released. One of the people was N, my next-cube neighbor, who has appeared in this blog. I miss her and the others a lot. My work days are definitely darker without them. I'm still dealing with all the emotions that come with surviving a lay-off: anger at what happened, guilt for still having a job, and fear that I'll be next. The big wigs are still talking behind closed doors so I'm feeling vulnerable especially as my boss and her boss both want me to work full-time. And have mentioned that fact to me several times.
Trouble with my medications has left me feeling nauseated, unable to concentrate and slightly stoned (but not in a good way). The last time I saw my doctor I wasn't able to articulate how I felt so the adjustments she made were not successful. After talking with the case manager who talked with the doctor, I was able to change some things back to prior levels which means that while I no longer feel like I'm having a heart attack, I still feel drugged and slightly sick to my stomach. And slightly disheartened because I am so ready to feel well.
However, it is the new year so in order to get into the spirit I'll share bits from the blogs of two of my favorite writers.
Barbara Samuel picked up on a morning news show's three words bit. She asked readers to describe 2008 and 2009 in three words. My 2008 words are searching, unwell, and stuck. My 2009 words are healing, happy and connected. Try doing this. It's fun and since words have power, maybe it's the best kind of new year's intention setting.
Jenny Crusie listed her resolutions, the last of which was to not be negative. "It's not that the glass is half empty or half full," she writes, "it's that I'm so damn grateful to have a glass." Given all that's happened in 2008 and the challenges of 2009, I feel damn grateful to have a glass too.
Happy New Year.
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