Treatment starts and so do I

I thought I had started treatment at the Fibro & Fatigue Center. But no. All the stuff I've been taking and doing has just been the preview. Last week I got the results from all my tests so now there's a concentrated battle going on in my body fueled by IVs, medications and supplements to rid it of viruses and to make me well. I have hopes fueled by my doctor who was excited and optimistic. The other fuel - well, that's making me feel queasy all the time and draining me of the ability to think. It will get better. I will get better. That's my mantra as I try to visualize everything bad flowing out of me.

In the meantime, I'm getting the bug to get some exercise and to be a little creative. I've been doing some easy exercise videos - only 20 minutes of gentle aerobics and strength training. Just enough to get movement without crashing and burning. To help with the creativity bug, I broke out the scarf I started knitting two years ago. The scarf will look good with my brown tweed coat which needs wearing this fall/winter. If I ever finish it. I've even been thinking about dragging out my old sewing machine to see if it still works.

I'm also getting my hair cut. I'm not sure I'll like it - in fact, I'm prepared to spend the winter watching my hair grow out - but it's time for something different. I've had pretty close to the same style for at least 10 years - shoulder length or so with long layers. I'm going for a chin length bob.

I've been checking out other blogs. I need to get some pictures on mine. Once I have some pictures to add. And figure out how to post them.

How cool is this? Stuff to think about and do.

Now that the fun is over

So, as much as I looked forward to the summer Olympics? Multiply that by sevenfold and that's how much I'm dreading the political conventions and upcoming election season. My TV mute button is already getting a workout - candidate ads, talking heads, and news segments on the election are all getting tuned out.

While I was seriously considering not voting, a friend sent me an email on all that the suffragettes endured to get the vote for women. I remembered that it was not all that long ago that I would not have been able to vote. Of course, my feminist heart felt immediate and overwhelming guilt. I do have to vote. I just wish choosing a president was more like choosing a health insurance plan. I want a "benefits at a glance" sheet on issues. A one page matrix of candidates and views with links to supporting documentation (a summary plan description) if needed. I don't want the nastiness of attack ads, attack books, attack debates, attack whatever.

I know the process is how it is because it's been successful. To me, it brings out all that's ugly about being an American. That makes me sad and a little queasy. And because the last eight years have made me even more cynical about both politics and our government, I know my vote won't count anyway.

My vote won't count on Dancing with the Stars either but I'll still watch every episode. It's filled with people who want to get publicity for their careers but, in its own way, the show is about what's good about being human - working hard at something different, learning a new skill, putting oneself in a position to get criticism and, hopefully, learn from it. Plus there's music, dancing, costumes and some potential for snarkiness. Good stuff.

By the way, I'll be checking out the website of the League of Women Voters to get an unbiased fact sheet on the candidates and issues for the upcoming elections.

This is why I love the Olympics

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/beijing/track_field/news?slug=cr-somalirunners082408&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

I've posted a link to an article about Somali runners who participated in the Olympics. The games are over now and I have to admit that I had enough of the coverage. But I will never get enough of stories like this one.

There is no we in illness

It's about 4 a.m. I've been up since 2. Sigh. Things are not going well with the sleep side of treatment. Since I've started at the Fibro and Fatigue Center, I've been adding and changing medications and supplements. It feels like my brain is re-ordering itself around them. It's a bit disconcerting but not really so bad. My body had been hanging in but since I added melatonin two nights ago, sleep has been strange - too many dreams and periods of waking up. Yesterday morning was a struggle to get out of bed. This morning was a struggle to sleep. Which would be OK but I'm so tired...

Anyway, I just read a newsletter from Debbie Ford who talked about a lecture she attended given by Dean Ornish. He spelled out illness and wellness on the board and then highlighted them - "I"llness and "We"llness.

I admit it's kind of cheesy but the truth of it struck home with me. Since I've become ill, so much of my life has been inward "me" focused. I hate it but sometimes I just can't summon up the energy to care about what's happening outside of my little fibro directed world. Old Maslow, of hierarchy of needs fame, was no dummy when he said that the survival stuff had to be taken care of before one could look beyond those basics.

I've been thinking about success markers - how I'll judge if my treatment plan is a success. Once I get beyond eliminating pain and getting restorative sleep, I think that consistently staying at the "we" level of that pyramid would mean that I've moved beyond illness.

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I don't want to forget to mention some of the upsides of not being able to sleep. The pre-dawn world is quiet. Traffic is hushed and there's a chorus of crickets outside my window. The air coming in smells soft with the scent of dew on grass that goes away once the sun comes up. It's lovely. So much so that I might not even mention that fact that at 4 p.m. I'm going to be semi-comatose.

Random Friday

Good thing I'm not into big things fast. The energy injection I got yesterday has not kicked in. My arm aches because I had to hold it still for the IV that's supposed to help with pain. Bottom line? I'm tired and in pain - nothing new there.

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The Olympics started today. Yippee! I'm a huge Olympics fan and plan to spend as much time as possible watching both NBC and CBC coverage. What better way to celebrate athletes and sport than to spend hours on the couch watching TV?

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I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll have to postpone next year's big birthday trip to Italy. Darn money. I'm still going to save as much as possible just in case but medical bills are going to be the priority. Sigh.

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I was going to say something about John Edwards getting caught lying about his affair but why bother...

My new part-time job

I've got myself a new part-time job. It's not glamorous. And it doesn't pay. In fact, I'm paying for the privilege. I started treatment at the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Centers.

The very best part of today's first visit was that I didn't feel like I had to apologize for having all this nebulous "stuff" wrong with me. Everyone at the center, from the doctor to the office coordinator, is there specifically to help people like me. The patients are all people like me. You can't know the sense of relief that brings unless you've been to doctors who've said "I can't find anything - are you under stress?" or those who've said, "well, you've got fibromyalgia - there's nothing I can do for you". At this center there are doctors and other health care workers who are saying, "yes, you have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. We can help."

The downside, and there always is one, is that I'm going to have to organize my life around taking care of myself. Just managing the transition off old medications and onto the new ones is going to take a lot of mental energy. When I think about adding supplements and office visits for other treatments into the mix, it's almost overwhelming.

That's why I am going to have to look at this as a part-time job. I show up for work and do the things that need to get done. I owe it to myself to have at least that much commitment to managing my illness and recovery.

Today's appointment was long and expensive. Frankly, I'm exhausted and more than a little freaked out by the cost and and the thought of coordinating all these new things into my life. Still, that glimmer of hope is shining bright. Thank goodness for that.

Neighbors. Can't live above 'em, can't shoot 'em

I have a mole on my face. Well, actually I have three moles on my face but one is very noticeable. I've had it forever. I don't like it (it's a mole after all) but while I think about having it removed from time to time, it's never been a priority.

Today, I ran into my neighbor, a man in his eighties, when I was getting my mail. He and his wife live below me. I've talked to them maybe a half a dozen times in the year I've lived in my condo. Today, we were talking about innocuous things - the weather, the building we live in, the condo association meetings when all at once he says "you should see a dermatologist and get that mole removed." I expect him to say something about skin cancer. No. He says "you'd be prettier".

The thing that gets my goat is that I said "thanks".

The thing that really, really gets my goat is that I care what this guy said.

I just read a prayer - Praised are you, Creator of the Universe, who varies the forms of your creatures. I'm going to pray that one for myself and maybe wait a little longer before I make that appointment with the dermotologist.