I Network and Live to Tell the Tale

I went to a networking event last night because 1) I need to get out more and 2) I need to get out more.

I dread networking events - can you say one of the circles of hell? - but because I respect the woman who held the event and because I need to get out more, I decided to go. Guess what? It was fun.

The invitiation said that there would be people there I know. I scoffed. I'm so disconnected from the local HR community that I thought there would be no way I'd know anyone. I walked in the door and almost immediately saw an old boss. While I was talking with her, another former colleague came up to me to say hi. I met people who worked for former employers at different times and a woman who works for my current employer now. I stayed over two hours and had a great time.

I'm very tired today because driving across town for an after work event made for an extra long day. It was worth the effort and today's fatigue and pain because guess what? It was fun.

Next Steps

I've been thinking about why people don't do things they know they should do to live healthier, happier lives. Of course when I say this, I am really saying I've been thinking about why I don't do things I know I should do to live a healthier, happier life.

Like taking care of my health.

I do the big things to manage my fibromyalgia - the doctor's visits and medications and supplements - but I haven't been doing the everyday things like eating healthy food, exercising, getting enough rest, meditating, using pacing techniques, setting priorities, and having some fun. Frankly, even thinking about adding any of those things to my day is exhausting. But here is the plan for my brave new world - I'm going to do them.

Shifting my perspective from thinking that I won't be able to do it and then making these changes will be one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do. Vital to my well being and totally necessary but extremely difficult. So I'm going to blog about it for fun and to keep myself on track.

I'm starting with exercise.

I've always had good luck working out at home but I need to get out more so I stopped by a local health club today to see about membership. It's nice. It's close to home. The ladies' locker room smells really good. The people exercising seemed normal. When I asked about the cost of memberships, I got sticker shock. Yikes. It costs a lot to join a nice, close to home fitness center with good smelling locker rooms where normal people exercise.

Of course, a lot is actually less than one month's board for T so I guess it's relative. Balking at the cost is also a first sign of resistance since my company has a fitness allowance that will pay for most of the membership.

I got a free pass for a week that starts on Thursday. I'll be working on all my "why I can't exercise" excuses between now and then.

Tomorrow night I'm going to a networking event for women in HR. I have nothing to wear and many other excuses for why I can't go, but I'm going anyway. See. Brave new world.

Lottery Talk as a Measure of Employee Engagement

My coworkers spend a lot of time talking about winning the lottery. Often. Like every day.

I may not remember correctly because I'm perimenopausal and I have fibro-fog but I don't think that there was the same level of lottery talk at my other jobs.

I hadn't bought a lottery ticket in years until I started this job. Now I buy at least once a week. I may be projecting because I hate my job but I think there must be correlation between the level of lottery talk and employee engagement.

Has anybody done a study?

Sneaking Back with a Big, Fat Whine-fest

I had some grand plans to relaunch my blog but since I haven't written anything in almost six months, it seems safer to sneak back and do a furtive post or two and see what happens.

I blame my job for my lack of creative energy. Working full time with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue is not easy. Working 50 to 60 hours a week at a job you don't like is not for any sane person. So here I am - an insane, exhausted lump of what used to be a human being.

There are a lot of reasons why my job isn't ideal but I'm saving that litany for another time. What matters is that my job isn't ideal. What scares me is that I have no idea what to do next.

I do know that I can't keep this up for much longer. I'm back in that horrible cycle where I drive to work, I work, I drive home from work, I eat, I sleep. That's literally it until I get to do it all again the next day. The other day I went to the library after work. It felt like a trip to Paris. I spend weekends on the couch trying to recover and gather energy for another work week. I've ridden six times in the last two months. What's worse, I haven't been able to concentrate enough to finish reading a book in even longer.

Plus I hate how whiny, bitter and miserable I've become.

At the beginning of the year, I chose three words as intentions for the new year: happy, healthy and connected. Living that way doesn't seem possible but not living that way will ruin me.

So I'm going to turn my life around. I'm not sure how I'll do that but it starts with a focus on my intentions. And maybe a new job.

Stay tuned. A post on my progress may be coming. In another six months.

How Did This Happen?

Last time I wrote it was April and I was complaining. Now it's already mid-June and I'm complaining again. Still.

My Kindle/iPhone/Sony Bravia 26" TV fund has been tapped yet again. This time because of a vet bill. T, the wonder horse, stepped on a huge nail which went in the bottom of his foot, though the wall of the foot, and out the back. And while it's incredibly lucky that there wasn't significant damage - the nail missed anything vital - it would have been much, much luckier if my horse didn't get a 5" spike through his foot. If you know what I mean.

I should explain that I'm not a horrible horse owner who lets her horse run around on ground strewn with nails except that it seems that I am. New drains were being installed at the boarding stable where T lives. Unfortunately, while the work crew was digging for the drains, they dug up some old nails that had been buried on the property long before it became home to T and his fellow equines. No one noticed the nails on the ground until one ended up in T's foot. The chance of this happening was incredibly remote. Except that happen it did.

The next time something this unlikely happens I hope it's that I have just won the lottery.

Work is still not good - thus the desire to win the lottery. However, I have passed the point of wanting to throw up every morning.

Ain't life grand?

Rats! Encore

When I was in the process of buying my condo in 2007, the home inspection guy told me I would have to replace the water heater soon as it was past its normal life cycle. I took soon to mean sometime in the next twenty years or so.

I got a visit from my downstairs neighbor on Sunday night. He told me three water heaters have failed in my complex over the last month. As my condo is on top of his, he wanted to make sure that I knew. He feels strongly that he does not want water flowing from my condo into his should my water heater fail. I feel strongly that I do not want to have to pay for his repairs should my water heater fail.

The iPhone/Kindle/26" Sony Bravia TV fund is now depleted. My new water heater will be installed on Monday.

Why did I think it was a good idea to buy instead of rent?

Rats!

I made the mistake of watching Religion & Ethics Newsweekly over the weekend. I've been avoiding the news. I do know what's going on with the economy but I don't want to know. You know? I'm grateful that I have job I hate. That's as much economic reality as I want to face.

Instead, I have been happily focused on my need for an iPhone. I wasn't planning on rushing into the purchase either. Nope. I was going to wait for my tax refund and spend only a small part of it on my new technological marvel. Since I didn't have the little wonder yet, on Sunday afternoon I decided to watch TV and turned on PBS. Dummy. Why couldn't I have watched an infomercial for the Total Gym instead?

The segment on food banks broke my heart. It reminded me that I have an obligation to others - something that I had been trying hard to forget. So I'm putting the iPhone on hold. I figure the service would cost about $25 more a month than my current cell phone. For the next six months, I'm going to donate that money to local charities including Gleaners Food Bank, the Michigan Humane Society, Detroit Institute of Arts, and Detroit Public TV. This may not be as cool as an iPhone but I'll bet that in the long run I'll be happier about my spending.

Technology Lust, Part 2

It's crazy how fast time goes by now that I am working full time.

Here's my day. I drive to work, work, drive from work, eat and sleep. I spend what feels like half an hour taking medications and supplements. For the sake of my general fitness and mental well being, I should add exercise to this mix but that would mean giving up some of the time reserved for eating. Like that could happen.

I figure I have two hours from the time I get home from work to the time I have to be in bed so I can be awake enough to go through the cycle again the next day.

I could exercise in those precious two hours thereby increasing my general fitness and mental well being. I could write more. But when would I find the time to read?

The technology thugs at work limit web access to things they think are appropriate. Apparently, this means you can track your brackets during March Madness but not read blogs. Seriously. Even trying to click on Compensation Force - a blog featured on the HR site Workforce Management - gets me a warning. And while I'm happy to be able to follow sports (Go Blue!), I miss following author blogs, fibro blogs and, yeah, even HR blogs at work. (All blog following would take place in my limited downtime. Like during the 15 minutes I take to eat my sandwich every day. Really.)

So, I'm lusting after an iPhone. Just thinking about music, web, camera, notes, and electronic planner all in one small device that would be accessible at work makes my heart race. Now Amazon has announced an app to connect the iPhone with the Kindle. Oh my. (Side note...the Kindle seems magical...books falling from the sky in less than 60 seconds...like manna from heaven...must have...)

So there you have it. Technology Lust, Part 2. Part 2 (a) Kindle...books falling from the sky...magic...and Part 2 (b) iPhone.

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Don't worry, MacBook. You'll always be number one in my heart on the technology lust list.

Tell Me Again Why I Have To Work

I hit my one month anniversary at my new job yesterday and, as of today, I'm offically over it.

I'm counting the months (only 11 to go) until I can quit without having to pay back my sign-on bonus. Yup, I'm a physical mess but that's the least of it. I'm used to being rewarded for trying to change processes, having open discussions with managers, and working as a team. Today I was told "I don't know why we do it this way but that's the way it's done and we shouldn't try to change", and "we don't have conversations like that in front of managers" and, when I asked for help, "I'll send you an article". My day ended with one of the HR business partners who has been with the company over a year and a half asking me, the person with a month's experience, to explain why people hired in March 2008 won't be getting a pay increase this year. (The company lost over $100 million last year - nobody is getting a pay increase this year.)

That's right. All this and eleven hours at the office. Plus a two hour commute.

One of my new co-workers said something the other day about becoming a Stepford employee. Maybe he's got the right idea. I wonder if I can find a clinic that performs weekend lobotomies.

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By the way, I'm totally grateful that I found a job in this economy. Really.

Fibro Update

Stupid fibromyalgia.

I'm feeling the effects of added work hours (how do people work full time???) and the damp (Michigan weather - ugh!!!) and non-restorative sleep and the stress of starting a new job and wanting to be super-employee (dummy me!!!).

I had been doing OK pain-wise. In fact, I was surprised that I wasn't in more pain until yesterday when the burning pain started.

Instead of spending the weekend resting on the couch, I did stuff. After two days of riding, running errands, doing laundry and trying to catch up at home, I'm about done in and facing another full week of work. Great.

But here's the thing. I've decided that no matter how bad it gets - within reason - I'm not spending any more weekends on the couch. That's too much life wasted and I feel so much happier when I see something of my bit of the world that's not work related. I'm not sure how long I'll survive like this but that's the plan.

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The one good thing about my new commute is that I have more hours to listen to audio books. I just finished a good one - Christopher Moore's Fool - a retelling (mostly) of King Lear with Pocket the Fool as hero. The first lines warn that it's bawdy (it is) but it's also funny and swashbuckling and has some twists. Good stuff.

The View Outside My Window

My favorite thing about my new job (aside from working with my friend P and getting a paycheck - can't forget the paycheck) is the view from the office window.

Every morning the light reflects on the church across the street and I am in awe.

This is the view from the window at my old job. Even without the snow, the warehouses in the industrial park weren't inspiring.

I'd like to say that the view makes up for the doubled commute and full-time work schedule. I'd like to say that but I can't. Still, if I have to work full-time, a little awe in the morning is not a bad thing.

Blocked and Busted

My cousin C busted my chops today because I haven't been blogging. I wouldn't call it a nag-fest exactly but she did mention that I had written that I would be posting at least three times a week. And oh, by the way, did I remember saying that?

Then M, my brother, piled on and said he didn't read my blog very often but last time he looked the post was old.

Ouch.

I forgive them both. M because he passed along a brilliant new collective name for the doom and gloom blogs he does read daily (purveyors of pessimism porn - both alliterative and funny) and C because she fed me (including some of her mom's nut roll for dessert - yum).

The thing is I've been blocked. I don't really know why but I guess between the stress of the lay-off, major car repairs, the new job, the cold/flu bug I caught from the plague carriers at my new job, and the immediate return of pain and fatigue with my new full-time work schedule, I lost any smidgen of creativity that I may have once had.

But today I learned something new. Guilt and harassment from family are a sure cure for writers block. Who knew?

Connections, Gratitude, Synchronicity and Irony

Isn't life interesting?

Late in December, I signed up for Jennifer Louden's virtual retreat, Finding Calm, Confidence & Contentment in Uncertain Times because of the remarkable work Jen had been sharing on her blog about dealing with fear. On January 1, I decided that one of my three words for the year would be connected. Who knew that a week later I'd be knee deep in fear and uncertainty and in desperate need of connections?

As soon as I got back to my desk after I got the word about my layoff on Wednesday, I contacted my very good friend and former colleague, P, who commiserated with me and then told me about a potential opening at her company.

The next day, I talked with a former boss, M, who talked me down from the freak-out ledge, reminded me of all the people I worked with at my former company who would be willing to help me out, and offered his own help far above and beyond the simple recommendation I wanted.

I applied for the job at P's company and have an interview scheduled for tomorrow. I know my background fits but I also know she made sure the hiring manager knew about me.

When I chose connected as one of my words in 2009 in what I thought was a fun, throwaway exercise, I never guessed I'd need those connections so soon. I chose it because I was feeling a little detached. Now I feel grateful because I still have amazing people who are in my corner.

I love the synchronicity of life - things showing up just when we need them. The retreat starts on Friday and runs through the following Monday. And no. I won't feel at all guilty about listening live from work. I had intended to take advantage of recordings but now ...

And the irony? Even though I am going to be laid off, my employer now wants me to work full-time until the end. Oh, I'm doing it. But can you believe it?

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There's still time to sign up for the virtual retreat at www.comfortretreats.com. I'm a huge fan of Jennifer Louden. You should be too.

I Must Be Psychic or Utter, Blind Panic

So, remember a couple of posts ago when I talked about being afraid that I was going to be laid off? Yup. I'm going to be laid off.

I've been laid off twice before and, except for the utter, blind panic about money, it's actually not bad. I like having time off and both of the other times I ended up in a much better work situation after the layoff. Still.

Did I mention the utter, blind panic about money?

Thematic Living

Life's been good and interesting this past couple of days. I've been riding T which makes me happy especially since I didn't have any pain while riding. While I was at the barn I talked with some riding buddies - actual face to face conversations. That makes me happy too.

I've also spent some time thinking about what I want to accomplish this year. Instead of setting resolutions that will fail, this year I decided to live around a theme of wellness. Kathy Freston talks about leaning into wellness in her book Quantum Wellness, Jenni Prokopy talks about being as well as possible (AWAP) on her ChronicBabe blog, and Laurie Edwards has a section called Reentry in her wonderful book, Life Disrupted. So that's it for me this year. I will reenter life by leaning into wellness and will do what I can to be as well as possible.

While I was doing my deep thinking, I remembered why I started this blog in the first place. I want to write more. So here's an actual SMART goal - I will post three times a week.

Post-Exertional Malaise

Thank goodness December is over. I know that I should be saying Happy New Year and all that but I'm really, really glad to be done with last month so I'll stick with thank goodness December is over.

People with chronic fatigue know that if they do too much, they may be fine while they are overdoing but will feel like they got hit by a truck a few days later. The doctors and other experts call it post-exertional malaise. That's the official terminology but the splat after the truck more accurately sums up last month for me. I have post-exertional malaise of the body and spirit.

It was hard for me to recover from my full-time work in November. I am still grateful for the chance to try because the extra money helped. Plus I needed to see if I could do it in case it becomes necessary in the future. I think I could. My work life balance would be nonexistent but...

We had lay-offs at work last month. Three people in my department and one other person who sat in my area were released. One of the people was N, my next-cube neighbor, who has appeared in this blog. I miss her and the others a lot. My work days are definitely darker without them. I'm still dealing with all the emotions that come with surviving a lay-off: anger at what happened, guilt for still having a job, and fear that I'll be next. The big wigs are still talking behind closed doors so I'm feeling vulnerable especially as my boss and her boss both want me to work full-time. And have mentioned that fact to me several times.

Trouble with my medications has left me feeling nauseated, unable to concentrate and slightly stoned (but not in a good way). The last time I saw my doctor I wasn't able to articulate how I felt so the adjustments she made were not successful. After talking with the case manager who talked with the doctor, I was able to change some things back to prior levels which means that while I no longer feel like I'm having a heart attack, I still feel drugged and slightly sick to my stomach. And slightly disheartened because I am so ready to feel well.

However, it is the new year so in order to get into the spirit I'll share bits from the blogs of two of my favorite writers.

Barbara Samuel picked up on a morning news show's three words bit. She asked readers to describe 2008 and 2009 in three words. My 2008 words are searching, unwell, and stuck. My 2009 words are healing, happy and connected. Try doing this. It's fun and since words have power, maybe it's the best kind of new year's intention setting.

Jenny Crusie listed her resolutions, the last of which was to not be negative. "It's not that the glass is half empty or half full," she writes, "it's that I'm so damn grateful to have a glass." Given all that's happened in 2008 and the challenges of 2009, I feel damn grateful to have a glass too.

Happy New Year.